A 79-year-old man has filed a complaint with local authorities, claiming his local park contains too many birds. Gordon Grumble claimed his local park was overrun with noisy, flappy bastards that stole his sandwich. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was sat on the park bench and about to eat a beef sandwich that my missis […]
Author Archives: Clive Grimgrits
Grumpy Fuckers across the globe have come together to tell the UN’s World Happiness Day to fuck right off. The day is designed to promote happiness and wellbeing but grumpy fuckers worldwide have told its organisers to go suck a bag of dicks. Grumpy Fucker Daniel Glum, told Grumpy Fuckers: “What the frig is this […]
A woman has filed for divorce after she discovered that her husband of seven years makes shit coffee. Sally Grumble made the discovery after her husband attempted to make her breakfast in bed. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve been married to this dickhead for the last seven years and in all that time, I’ve made […]
Shitty drivers across the country are gearing up for this year’s National Drive Like A Dickhead Day, which takes place on Wednesday 19th March. Participants caused chaos last year by driving like total dickheads and there are plans to repeat the feat this year. Dickhead driver Bobby Bigballs told Grumpy Fuckers: “My wife tells me […]
Grumpy Fuckers all over the world are staging protests at today’s International Day of Happiness. Some grumpy fuckers are refusing to get out of bed while others are moping around with faces like slapped arses in protest of the ‘happy’ day. Clive Grimgrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop said: “What a shower of shit. […]
Police have been given new powers to taser people who whistle no tune in particular. People who whistle nothing in particular have become one of the world’s most annoying fuckers. A spokesman for the police force told Grumpy Fuckers: “These people are the scum of the earth. They go about their day, whistling any old […]
Inspirational memes posted by social media users cure up to 98% of cases of depression, it has been claimed. Social media users who post inspirational memes are often viewed as experts in curing mental health disorders. One social media user told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was down on my luck. I was really having a hard […]
Workers in a local shop have called for an ambulance for a woman who turned up for work with no makeup on. The friends, who didn’t recognise their co-worker at first, thought the woman was seriously ill. Mary ‘Jugs’ Layabout told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was just setting up the shop for the day when this […]
A 32 year-old worker has spent another day not using the algebra he was taught at school. Neville Dickforbrains spent three years learning algebra at school before getting himself a job as a council worker. To date, he has spent 14 year and 3 months not using mathematical symbols and the rules for manipulating these […]
The United Nations has officially banned pineapple as a pizza topping. The craze of putting pineapple on pizza was started by some asshole during the 1960s. The United Nations has said that the world can no longer go on with pineapple on top of a cheese and tomato base. A spokeswoman for the United Nation […]
A leading scientist has discovered a hidden stomach in the human body, that allows people to eat desserts – even when they are full from eating a main course. David BoggleEyes made the discovery while out eating at a local restaurant. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was out having one of them eat-all-you-can meals down […]
Superstar rapper Kanye West has promised to stop singing if he claims the White House this November. It means that the singer has suddenly become a serious presidential candidate as a result of the pledge. A spokeswoman for Mr West told Grumpy Fuckers: “It’s true. I spoke to Mr West himself this morning as he […]
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 25th May. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]
Dear Ethel I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t driven more than 5 miles down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to […]
Finding myself in lockdown and having fuck all to do, I thought I’d go through some of my old film collection and see what I had there. As the world’s most eminent movie critic, it’s all too easy to focus on the new releases. But as they’ve all dried up, it always worth going through […]
Dear Ethel Why does my wife make shit coffee? Sheila, London Dear Sheila, Not everyone can make a nice cup of coffee and I would suggest that your wife either bucks up her ideas pretty pronto or leaves the family home. Life is too short to make shit coffee and this so-called wife of yours […]
A dickhead neighbour has mown his lawn at 7.30am on a Saturday. Residents hoping for a nice lie-in were woken by Alan Dupper and his Qualcast 125cc push petrol rotary lawnmower. Alan told Grumpy Fuckers: “My lawn needed doing so I got up early so that I could then spend the rest of the day […]
A woman has spent three hours doing her hair nice so that she can go and buy a loaf of bread. Emily Triplebelly washed it, blow-dried it and styled it in order to go and buy herself a small bloomer. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I don’t get out much these days so it’s nice to […]
A 54 year-old man has had his underpants surgically removed after he had worn them for 13 consecutive years. Brian CrispyGrits underwent the procedure after his wife threatened to divorce him if he didn’t change them. Brian told Grumpy Fuckers: “They were my comfy ones so I liked to wear them every day. But then […]
A woman in self-isolation has successfully watched everything on Netflix. Ethel LardArse says that she’s now moving on to YouTube, and hopes to complete that too by the end of the month. She told Grumpy Fuckers. “The big boss man told us that we’ve all got to stay indoors in case we get the virus. […]