A woman has been admitted to hospital with severe shock after she discovered that her teenage son had tidied his room. Sheila Largecalves had returned home from work early after suffering from the shits. She arrived home to find her son’s bedroom in an acceptable condition. Her husband Len told Grumpy Fuckers: “I hadn’t noticed […]
Category Archives: News
Sarcasm has overtaken the English language to become the most popular language among over-40s. The new figures show a correlation between an increasing general disappointment in life and increasing usage of sarcasm as a first language. Professor Greypants of Noname University told Grumpy Fuckers: “We have found a startling connection between increased age and the […]
Grumpy Fuckers across the globe have come together to tell the UN’s World Happiness Day to fuck right off. The day is designed to promote happiness and wellbeing but grumpy fuckers worldwide have told its organisers to go suck a bag of dicks. Grumpy Fucker Daniel Glum, told Grumpy Fuckers: “What the frig is this […]
A recent survey has discovered that 96% of people tell their pets that they ‘won’t be long’ when they pop out. The survey also showed that 100% of cats didn’t give a shit how long their owners were going to be out. Dr Colin Underchafing told Grumpy Fuckers: “While we eat some animals, we also […]
People who have a bad night’s sleep are 100% more likely to mention it on social media, according to a new report. That’s the conclusion of a study carried out by the University of Little Hope. Professor CleverDick, who undertook the study, told GrumpyFuckers: “People who don’t get a good night’s sleep feel the need […]
Police are to be given new powers to taser people who use apostrophes incorrectly. The Government says that it’s had enough of that shit and want’s to clamp down immediately. A spokesman for the Government said: “We’ve had enough of this shit. Everywhere we go, we see apostrophes being used in the wrong context. It […]
A man has bought a car to go to his job so that he can pay for his car. Freddy Fuckwit bought his second-hand car yesterday so that he could get to his new job so that he could pay for his second-hand car. He told GrumpyFuckers: “I had to get a car to get […]
Grumpy Fuckers all over the world are staging protests at today’s International Day of Happiness. Some grumpy fuckers are refusing to get out of bed while others are moping around with faces like slapped arses in protest of the ‘happy’ day. Clive Grimgrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop said: “What a shower of shit. […]
Santa has reportedly been asking kids to leave out bottles of gin and boxes of donuts for him this year. Santa’s rough year means that he’d appreciate gin and donuts, rather than the traditional milk and mince pies this Christmas. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I get fed up of the same old shit, year in […]
The man who invented the phrase ‘Good Morning’ has been found fatally murdered in his apartment. Cheery John Smiley coined the phrase back in 1952 as a way of making his employees feel valued as they arrived for work. He was found dead last night. A police spokeswoman told GrumpyFuckers: “He had it coming for […]
A woman has spent her entire day off work worrying about going back to work. Sally Gumboots spent the entire day with a horrible pit-of-the-stomach feeling about going back to work the day after. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “Tuesday is normally my day off but it never feels like a day off because I spend […]
Researchers at a very posh university have scientifically proven that people with resting bitch faces look younger. Their work proves that people who smile too much look wrinkly and that too much happiness can leave you looking haggard and miserable. Professor Brian CleverClogs who headed the study told Grumpy Fuckers: “Us clever people have suspected […]
Inspirational memes posted by social media users cure up to 98% of cases of depression, it has been claimed. Social media users who post inspirational memes are often viewed as experts in curing mental health disorders. One social media user told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was down on my luck. I was really having a hard […]
People who whistle shit that doesn’t even resemble a song can now legally be punched in the throat. It means that people who appear happy in their jobs can be reminded that other people don’t want to listen to their shit. Police spokesman Danny LoveTruncheon told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all heard it – some dickhead […]
Workers in a local shop have called for an ambulance for a woman who turned up for work with no makeup on. The friends, who didn’t recognise their co-worker at first, thought the woman was seriously ill. Mary ‘Jugs’ Layabout told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was just setting up the shop for the day when this […]
A 32 year-old worker has spent another day not using the algebra he was taught at school. Neville Dickforbrains spent three years learning algebra at school before getting himself a job as a council worker. To date, he has spent 14 year and 3 months not using mathematical symbols and the rules for manipulating these […]
The United Nations has officially banned pineapple as a pizza topping. The craze of putting pineapple on pizza was started by some asshole during the 1960s. The United Nations has said that the world can no longer go on with pineapple on top of a cheese and tomato base. A spokeswoman for the United Nation […]
A new survey has revealed that just 10 minutes of work can make people use the word ‘fuck’ as if they were commas. The research was completed by a team at the University of Grumpy Fucks. They wanted to know why people were using the word so frequently. Professor FuckFace who led the research, told […]
A woman who was told to calm down by her boyfriend has not calmed down. Ethel Bobblehat said that being told to calm down was an open invitation to lose her shit. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was having an argument with my dickhead boyfriend, when I got a little bit angry. He wasn’t listening […]
That’s right! The day when we can finally tell work to go fuck itself is finally here. Grumpy Fuckers all over the world will be calling work and telling their managers where they can stick their shitty jobs. Campaign manager Clive Grimgrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in Cardiff said: “I’ve worked for some […]